I have secretly used eating healthy and eat consciously as a way to mask my attempts at weight control. Thus, my “consciousness” is only half way conscious. I eat, not necessarily what feels good but what will make me skinnier. Taking herbs and pills, secretly researching diets… obsessed with upholding some facade toward the world believing that I’m beautiful because for some reason I don’t, and god forbid anyone discovers this truth.
I watched friends and family going through this same struggle from a quiet distance, but I know my body language exposes me. I would listen to stories and shy away as if all of those cultural precepts never affected me. But they did and they do. And while I’m not proud of this mental trick I have been playing on myself for decades, I am not ashamed either because I know I’m not alone.
Well I’m done. I’m done using healthy, to mask my need to be thin. I’m taking out the middle man and truly searching and choosing what feels good in my body. I have been addicted to laxatives for decades, used sex as a way to fill an empty heart, and secretly criticized myself and others for what I perceived were choices that affected their “health”.
These negative self beliefs is at the root of my pain both emotional and physical. I refuse to live the next forty years secretly wishing that I was cuter, younger, and smaller. To heal I can’t bury this loathing even more with diets, food anxiety and attaching external meaning to my self worth. Rather to heal I must speak the truth, hold myself accountable and be more heartfelt than ever before. To offer compassion and love to myself and thus others because that is a much more valuable gift than looking cute in a bikini. And gosh if I can’t do this for myself, how will my children ever truly feel loved.
So today I make a karmic shift and vow not to pass on this junk. But instead to pass down positive karmas of love and self worth and if I gain a few pounds so what, me loving myself is the greatest gift I could ever give my children and their children.
Rather to heal I must speak the truth, hold myself accountable and be more heartfelt than ever before.Enter